Monday, July 11, 2011

Movie Predictions: Cowboys and Aliens

Disclaimer: This prediction is purely based on watching the trailer for the movie and without any knowledge of what this movie is about. We apologise for our ignorance in advance but hey, it's us.

Jables:      First off. Bond and Solo...hawt.
Quantom: Bond looks good. Solo so DAMN old.
J:       [Laughs]
Q:     Also, the title of the movie kind of sucks.
J:      Yeah.
Q:     I thought that with a name like 'Cowboys and Aliens' it would be really light hearted, but it seems to take itself pretty seriously. Okay, so it also has Sam Rockwell.
J:       I'm a fan.
Q:     Not sure about the token bird...isn't she from something?
J:       Tron recently. Olivia Wilde, I remember she was on OC.
Q:     So obviously Bond and her hook up. Going out on a limb to say they'll live happily ever after.
J:       Agreed. Thoughts on the special effects?
Q:      I mean they seem okay, but it reminds me of District 9. It looks good but you're like, "Hey these are graphics." What do you reckon?
J:       They weren't Green Lantern bad but as you say, they stick out like dogs balls.
Q:     [laughs] Green Lantern.

Dodgy effects in action
J:       Jon Favreau...the dude made Iron Man. Now there is a cool flick.
Q:     Yes he at least has some credits in the bank.
J:       But then again, he also made Iron Man 2 [makes sad face].
Q:     [laughs]  Yes true. What do you think about Bond being in another black and white scene?
J:       I could do with more black and white Bond.
Q:     Flashbacks.
J:       Unfortunately I think it'll have flashbacks all the way through. Like getting his memories back...that would suck.
Q:     Yes, flashbacks have become such an overused thing in movies.
J:       If they are done right they can be great.
Q:     That chick mentions "Remember who you are!" like 50 times, even in the trailer.
J:      Yeah. The good ole mystery hero that has no memory of who he is and only has an awesome alien bracelet gun and a little photo of some hot bird...happens all the time.
Q:     Happened to me last week. The Audioslave song actually suits it pretty well though.
J:       Audioslave song is great. Doubtful of it being in the flick though.

Alien bracelet.  Sexy
Q:     So there seems to be some tension around the awesome alien bracelet gun. Solo wants it. It apparently can shoot down entire ship things. Odds of Bond losing awesome alien bracelet gun at some point in the movie?
J:       Bracelet looks like it's on pretty tight. Maybe only when banging Miss Wilde.
Q:     [laughs]
J:       Solo just wants his son back too. 
Q:     Speaking of his son back...that line reminded me of that shit movie with Mel Gibson, Ransom, where he says GIVE ME BACK MY SON!!!
J:       Ransom...terrible. Though I think it's more that he'll have to team up buddy-cop style to take down the baddies.
Q:     I think the buddy-cop scenario is inevitable.
J:      They don't like each other, until one day they have to put aside their differences...
Q:     [laughs] Maybe Bond has to give Solo the bracelet at some point, but he's like "Ooh can I trust him?"

Buddy cop western?
J:       Let's talk about the Cowboy part of the movie. I know you're not a huge fan.
Q:      I mean I don't mind Cowboy movies...but they're all pretty samey, admittedly.
J:       Until you throw Aliens into the mix. I love a great Western. I could watch a Western every day and be happy. So that part of the flick has me interested.
Q:     What I want to know, is why are the aliens attacking random arse old western towns? Why not go to like, New York City and fuck shit up?
 J:      Good point. Maybe they are looking for Bond? Maybe Bond banged the boss alien's daughter and now he's pissed?
Q:      Hot alien daughter of course...
J:       With three boobs.
Q:      Maybe he didn't enjoy it, so he's like "oh shit bail out," has his memory erased.
J:       [laughs] If only we could all do that...could have come in handy in my younger days.
Q:      [laughs] You animal.
J:       I mean, a friend of a friend of mine. 
Token love interest
J:        Just one more thing about the cast. I love the cast, and this movie oozes cool to me. Especially with Favreau at the helm.
Q:     Yeah, the cast is very cool. Craig is a genuinely good actor.
J:       And has an alright bod.
Q:      Solo is so old, but I mean god damn it's Solo!
J:       And Indy.
Q       Sam Rockwell I'm very happy with, and the bird is sufficiently hot.
J:       Adequate.
Q:      But could be better, may annoy me in final movie...
J:       Really the actors and Cowboys are an automatic win. It comes down to the aliens.
Q:      I think you may be right there. If they're cheesy aliens the movie will fall flat on its face. Especially because the tone is trying to be cool and badarse.
J:       Definitely. And as you said earlier, why are they here? What's the point?

Shooting down a ship
Q:      Ending?
J:       Bond gets the girl. Solo gets his son back. Aliens all die or go away. Rockwell might bite the bullet?
Q:      Nice one. I agree with you, and also reckon Bond gets the girl. Agree with the son back thing, Hollywood is very reluctant to kill kids after all. Aliens will get beaten by something uber-powerful and cheap, and the bracelet gets destroyed.
J:       Good guys win and Hollywood is happy yet again.
Q:      There will be a door open for a "just in case" sequel.
J:       Without a doubt.
Q:      Score?
J:       A solid 7 bracelets out of 10. Although if the aliens fail then it can go all the way back down to 5.
Q:      I agree with that range. I suppose at the very least I will see the movie.
J:       And that is all they want really, isn't it?
Q:      Indeed, Cowboys and Aliens 6 bracelets for me.


  1. Obviously Olivia Wilde is actually an alien and Indy is actually Bond's dad.

    If this is less than an 8 i'll be super disappointed.

  2. I think you'll be lucky to get a 7 for this.

  3. Although didn't Olivia Wilde say "They killed my people?" Or was it "kind"?

  4. I honestly wasn't paying too much attention to her.

  5. One of my predictions was correct :)

  6. She is an alien yeah?

    Was the movie shit?

  7. not shit. It was cool because it was cowboys and fucking aliens and james fucking bond and han fucking solo, but it was also really dumb...

    i guess it scrapes through with a 7 for the aforementioned positives, but that might drop on subsequent viewings.